Saturday, 20 December 2008

letting go

I had a strange dream this afternoon...I had nodded off on the couch while the kids were outside with their Dad and before I knew it lack of sleep had taken me off to dreamland..
One minute I was fine, happy, drifting off and the next I woke up suddenly and started to cry....It was one of those dreams thats almost as real and clear as if it was happening to you in waking hours. I was a child and my Dad had dropped me off at a friends house to idea whose house it was, I didnt recognise it when I thought back over the dream..anyway! In my haste to run off and play I hadnt realised Dad had said goodbye at the door and left to go home, at this point in the dream I could see my Dad's face smiling as he quietly closed the front screen door of this friends house and got in the car to go home.
Next thing he was back at the door to collect me and I was running to him, crying and leaping into his arms, hugging him with all my might...I said "Dad, Im so sorry I didnt say goodbye to you"
Then I woke up.
It wasnt until I went over the dream a couple of times that I realised what the significance of the last line was. I didnt get to say goodbye to him when he died and now 12 years later it can still cause a physical pain in my heart as losing him did 12 years ago.
My shrink ( yes I have one) thinks I have a disjointed feeling at times because I didnt get to grow into being a full adult with my parents still around, he thinks it explains why now at 39 I still get stuck in my own little world of childhood and adolescence...especially when the real world feels too hard to cope with.
Anyway, Ive cried quite a lot today and Ive also laughed with my children...the past and the here and now. Ive really got to try and live more in the latter.

1 comment:

Sue said...

Wow, there's so much in your dreams. I am always inspired by your dreams. "When I grow up, I want to dream like Andrea," I say :)

The other night I dreamt a manic gollywog drove past me in a car. I guess that is a start.

"At this point in the dream I could see my Dad's face smiling as he quietly closed the front screen door of this friends house and got in the car to go home"

I think this is a pertinent part of this dream. He was smiling. He knew that you had run off to play with your friend, caught up in the excitement of the moment. He didn't take it personally that you didn't say goodbye to him.

Jungian dream analysis believes that all the parts that we are dreaming are actually parts of ourselves. If so, then this is a really good dream and maybe signifies that you are just a bit more integrated and "adult" than you think! I would think it was a good thing, too, if the "adult" part of your nature was able to drive the "childlike" part of you around to play and be free and be a kid, but is still the one who is driving the car, and is not getting offended at the more "childish" and "irresponsible" parts.

Anyway, that's just my take on it, for whatever it's worth :) I know you struggle with this stuff but one thing I am really glad about, and that is that you have brought so much of your childhood through into the adult world with you. You are so inspiring to me in that way :)