I had a strange dream this afternoon...I had nodded off on the couch while the kids were outside with their Dad and before I knew it lack of sleep had taken me off to dreamland..
One minute I was fine, happy, drifting off and the next I woke up suddenly and started to cry....It was one of those dreams thats almost as real and clear as if it was happening to you in waking hours. I was a child and my Dad had dropped me off at a friends house to play..no idea whose house it was, I didnt recognise it when I thought back over the dream..anyway! In my haste to run off and play I hadnt realised Dad had said goodbye at the door and left to go home, at this point in the dream I could see my Dad's face smiling as he quietly closed the front screen door of this friends house and got in the car to go home.
Next thing he was back at the door to collect me and I was running to him, crying and leaping into his arms, hugging him with all my might...I said "Dad, Im so sorry I didnt say goodbye to you"
Then I woke up.
It wasnt until I went over the dream a couple of times that I realised what the significance of the last line was. I didnt get to say goodbye to him when he died and now 12 years later it can still cause a physical pain in my heart as losing him did 12 years ago.
My shrink ( yes I have one) thinks I have a disjointed feeling at times because I didnt get to grow into being a full adult with my parents still around, he thinks it explains why now at 39 I still get stuck in my own little world of childhood and adolescence...especially when the real world feels too hard to cope with.
Anyway, Ive cried quite a lot today and Ive also laughed with my children...the past and the here and now. Ive really got to try and live more in the latter.